Now you’re asking yourself, “Well what was wrong with this Polk guy? This Zachary Taylor guy sounds like a prick.” And you’d be right. Well, Polk was unbearably boring and the same can be said about this guy I dated. I mean he was nice! But you know what the means. Just like President Polk this guy was a “Dark Horse” – a little known candidate – and when I say little known it’s more like, didn’t notice he was there sorta thing. He was in a class of mine, I probably heard he speak a couple times, but not on my radar at all. But, he said I was interesting, asked me coffee and I was in no place to refuse. And coffee was nice. But when he said he thought I was interesting it wasn’t a line – he posed questions at me like rapid fire. I thought, “Hmm, that’s different, someone who wants me to hear about me” but I soon realized it was because he had nothing interesting to say himself. He was just BORING. Polite, non-confrontational, well behaved I mean the list goes on! It drove me nuts. I knew it wasn’t going to work out when we watched Empire Records together and afterwards I commented how I’d always wanted to be friends with the characters, and asked him if he felt the same. He said, “No, I don’t like chaos. They seem to unstable.” I stood there gaping at him. Who says that? Who says, “No, I’d rather not be friends with Liv Tyler and Renee Zelweeger – they are too CRAZY for me!” I mean, who says that? This was of course after he told me that he was afraid of moving vehicles, water and canned vegetables.

How does this tie into Polk? Polk was EARTH SHATTERINGLY BORING. Polk was notorious for bad parties, like the point where people would decline an invite to the White House to avoid him. Why were they bad? Picture this: No dancing. No alcohol. No popular music. Sounds like fun right? Would you go to that party? No. Now think about a guy’s whose very personality is that party – would you date him or Mr. Crazy Pants Taylor. Umhmm, that’s what I thought.

But I felt bad, honestly I did. Mr. Crazy Pants came into the picture while I was still giving Polk there a chance after a devastatingly horrible first kiss.  But soon I knew I had let Polk go – and fast (cause I had a date with Crazy Pants Zachary Taylor that night). I was kind about it, I told him I was really sorry, that he was a really nice guy, and that it was great to get to know him better but…no.  I did a classy break up if I say so myself, but what happened? He flipped. I got a very upset voicemail from him. I can only imagine what it would have sounded like if we had gone on a fourth date. You’re thinking, “Oh, that’s too bad. Poor guy” and you’re allowed to think that. That’s fine. But you might also be thinking, “What about Polk?” Well, Polk, after he lost the reelection he died three months later. Yup.

It should be no surprise that I do the same to the guys I date.  Now, I’d like to say that I am well versed in all historical understanding, but that’s not true, I’ve tuned out the 16th century and pretty much all of China. No, what I know best, who I know best are our great leaders of the free world – The Presidents of the United States. We think of the Presidents in terms of their achievements, the laws they passed, the wars they started, the economic recessions they fielded. We define them by the larger than life events they represented – but in reality, they were men just like any other, who were probably scared shitless. I read about the Louisiana Purchase and I don’t see Thomas Jefferson, a president who wanted to expand territory for the United States, I see a Francophile who was obsessed with French culture and would use any excuse to flex his French and dress up for a good party. And that’s what you’ve got to do, you’ve got to break them down – that’s what I do to the Presidents – that’s what I do to men – and they are all the same, really.

You may not think that  President James Buchanan and your date to the junior prom have anything in common but they do – they were both closeted homosexuals.